Piles

You can tell what side of the bed is mine, can’t you? I was showing off our new “finished” bedroom to my best friend. She laughed, sharing the same trait. I don’t intend to have so many piles, it just seems to happen that way. And the bedside tables are large. Large enough for three stacks of assorted papers and crap. Plus two drawers. One already full, the other getting that way.

A designer friend, knowledgeable about feng shui and all, said that my piles indicated a level of inner confusion, it was an exterior manifestation of my “unfinished business”. Thanks. As if I wasn’t aware that there’s some interior junk that needs sorting and tossing.

Fall is a good time to do that work, right? A good time to reassess, to get rid of the old and unnecessary and whittle down to the essentials. Aaack. There’s a panicky feeling inside when I think about that process. I tried a couple of weeks ago to go through my closet, now that summer is really over, and get rid of stuff. I was bound and determined to toss everything summery that I hadn’t worn, and keep only those things that I wanted to wear next summer – or on a warm vacation.

Ruthless, I was going to be ruthless. That lasted about a minute when I found a lovely lavender top that really goes well with an Easter jacket from a couple of years ago. Sometime I might wear it again. I worked so hard to put together that totally matching outfit, complete with shoes. It wasn’t easy to find lavender shoes, even in the springtime. Back the shirt goes, onto the shelf. Ruthless was sidetracked by a trip down memory lane. I get it that part of the problem is the fuzziness of my future. If I knew that my life would never again call for a lavender ensemble, it would be easier (at least somewhat) to let go.

Back to the closet, with a little less determination this time, I get stopped by a sleeveless sweater with its price tag still on it. Was it two summers ago, or three, that I bought it? Was this the one that was a steal of a deal or a splurge? Either way, getting rid of it without ever wearing it seems a bit extravagant or wasteful. Why haven’t I worn it?

The cedar chest never got emptied of its summer clothes. Usually I swap the clothes out twice a year, but last year I never got around to it. So, I’ve worn none of those clothes since last summer. By all logic, they should be tossed without a second thought. But look, there’s that fun “mommy” jumper, with the flower shaped buttons. I loved that thing, even if it was yellow, and I hate yellow. It was so cheerful, and even looking at it now, I can remember Alec when he was cute and short, and when I was the one he loved and looked up to.

The piles of paper really aren’t much different. They contain reminders of the past in the form of old birthday cards, and old issues that never really got resolved. The stacks are filled with a whole lot of junk from fliers for workshops that have passed, to magazine subscriptions that have yet to expire, even though the envelopes clearly say, “last chance to renew”. Buried in the piles are church bulletins and newsletters with some nugget of truth or inspiration that I just might use someday.

To the casual observer, they’re just piles. But between me and the elimination of them are mountains of questions unresolved. How can I be done with the past, and what do I need for the future – those are the biggest two. Beneath those are deeper questions of trust and forgiveness, too. Forgiveness for all that has not been done, and faith/trust that I will have what I need (in me, not necessarily around me) for the future.

I guess that’s my prayer for the day. That and for a swift kick to actually do something about at least one of those #@&* piles. Amen.