(w)hole

It’s time to get real. It feels like there is a hole growing inside of me. An empty place, where parenting once lived. It’s like being pregnant with an expanding belly of nothingness. A friend wisely said that this time in our lives is like giving birth again, only it’s birthing our children (who are really adults now, Mom) from the womb of our homes, out into the world.

The temptation to fill that hole, to cover it up with a blanket, is really great. Last night I was downing popcorn and soda pop like I had never eaten before, and didn’t know when I would eat again. Turns out I would eat again when I got home from the movie theatre!

It’s a bit of a panicky feeling. A not-knowing who I will be, or what life will be like on the other side of this “transition”. Even though I have a sense that it won’t really be like birthing – where labor is usually over in a day or two, and BOOM, you’re a parent – this birthing could stretch out for a long time (especially if he doesn’t get into student housing). It’s more than likely that he will be in and out of our home for several years. But something will have changed. I will have (hopefully) figured out how to let go (to use a well-worn expression). And he will know that he is capable of living without me. Now, I’m being treated as if I am not needed, except for when money, the car, new underwear, or some unforeseen (yet utterly predictable) situation requires him to ask something of me.

What would it look like to do this chapter well? How could I be engaged in the activities of graduation while attending to the empty sad scared place in me? I would really like this hole to become a whole. A sense of wholeness, of fulfillment beyond this role of Mom. Maybe by attending to the bigness of these days, I can wrestle free from the small whines & frets that keep me distracted (and generally not much fun to be around). I do have some reason to hope – that vine across the porch is lush and beginning to bloom.

perspective

Waaaah. No, I’m not crying. It’s more of an overwhelmed, procrastinate-y kind of sound. I think it’s meant to block out the sound of the screaming to-do list and provide yet another distraction from reality. Which doesn’t really suck, by the way. It’s just a bit too real right now. But only when I think about it. Mostly, I’m not thinking. I’m playing computer solitaire, free cell, you name it.

Time is a strange thing. When I think about the number of days, months, lived, it adds up to not too much and too many to count, depending on my mindset. Not too much to show for way too many days alive and kicking.

Just yesterday I read a “helpful” article about how to de-stress that said we should not look at how productive we’ve been, but how many times in a day we were surprised, or delighted or something of the sort. That perspective didn’t really help. I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t at all surprised or delighted yesterday. Laundry, bill paying, grocery shopping just wasn’t that AMAZING. Sure, there was the shared mouth-watering with the liquor store clerk, over the thought of Ezell’s Fried Chicken. And the Trader Joe’s guy was trying to be funny and engaging while ringing through my groceries. Should I have given him a cookie?

Am I just too pampered to recognize real life while it’s happening? I want a mountain top experience every day (and preferably while wearing awesome gear from REI) and at the same time, I know that I have too much time on my hands…and that quote about not knowing how to plan the day because I’m torn between saving the world and savoring it is pretty much my dilemma 24/7. So, I don’t do either. At least not in any big way. I can ration a bit of day savoring, and then guilt myself into some minor world-saving (also described as returning phone calls, emails, etc.) and fill in the gaps by checking facebook.

What would I do if I could do anything? I think that’s the sticking point. Because I can do almost anything – what a luxury. It feels like too many choices, though.

I think for today, I’m going to try to do just a few things. Connect – both with that nagging reality, and with the world outside my living room & laptop; Pay Attention – really see what’s going on around me; and Stay in the Moment – this one requires me to shut down the re-play and re-hearse voices.

Connect, Attend, Be Present. Not exactly new ideas, but ones worth attempting. I’ll let you know how it goes.